Lost In My Mind

I’m lost within my own mind. The only sounds I can hear, are the ones stuck in my head. The lack of confidence I hold, the one that I crave. How I wish I could push it all away, begin my life, as if it was a new day. Sadly, that isn’t the case. It’s been this way since I was twelve years old, I haven’t been able to get through it. Words will be said, none will be heard. Since the early memories with the happiness I once had, my grandmother once brought me. Those all went away as soon as she passed away. That day, the one that rocked my world for the worst. I don’t believe I’ll ever be me again, not without a majority of my heart. One that she took with her. At least it’s calming to remember that she has it with her, as she watches down on me. Anyways, the thoughts in my head. Yeah, those thoughts are creeping up on me any possible moment they can. Especially, when I should be happy, yet it destroys every moment of it.

As early of the age of twelve, I was alone in the world. At least, I felt like I was. Sure, my father, my brothers, my stepmother, and friends were around, but that wasn’t enough for me. None of them would compare to the bond and friendship I shared with that amazing and funny lady. The black and white movie marathons, those will always be ones that I will crave, to watch at least one more time in that room full of cigarette smoke and laughter. It’ll never be the same, will it?

For sure, I need to start getting my head figured out, that’s the hardest part. I can’t really find out how to do so. Therapy? Maybe. Talking? No way. That’s my problem. I have never really been able to talk easily, that’s the biggest fear I won’t ever be able to conquer. It isn’t as hard as seeing a spider, or the dark. It was letting my mind open to the whole world, leaving myself feeling as vulnerable as I could ever be. Maybe one day, I’ll be able to get myself professional help, but until then. My pen hits that paper, my fingers race for the keys, as I begin to tell you all the reasons why I’m me.

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